Farewell Fair Friend

There is a person in our lives that I have loved, respected, and admired for years.  We have had our ups and downs, but I always loved in spite of that.  I started noticing a few years back that no matter what I said, there was always a violently negative rebuttal.  I began to notice I was no longer invited into their life.   IF my children needed help, then yes, but I was no longer welcomed with loving arms, when it was just me alone in public, I was ignored, avoided, and if I dared to assert my presence, treated as a nuisance.  I began hearing of things this person said about me to my children behind my back concerning my parenting, me as a woman of God and just my overall person.  I figured it was just some mental/emotional stuff they were just going through.  But I found it very upsetting.  I prayed about it, and stopped allowing them access to speak such negativity to my children.  But I kept trying.  I sat contemplating this situation with great sadness in my heart as we used to be so great together especially in a certain venue, we set demons to flight. Isn’t that just like the enemy to drive a wedge where there is a great threat to him?  It pains me to know it has been allowed to take place here.  I realized that with all the praying, talking, and trying I have done, it simply can not be remedied.  They have formed an opinion and there is nothing I can do to change that.  They have never known or sought to know my inner heart, so their opinion has been formed based on things they are not in full understanding of.  But again, I realize that people are going to feel, think, and act how ever they do, and I can’t control that, all I can control is the way I react to that.  That being said, this is my moment of closure.  I am sorry it has had to turn out this way.  It truly hurts me to feel this and see this take place, but I can’t change a persons heart.  I am not God.  I will let go the trying and give it all to God and trust Him with the outcome.  Maybe this was only for a season.  Maybe it was not meant to last so long.  Perhaps it was only for a certain purpose and the purpose has been served.  I will always have a deeply felt love and respect for said person.  I will never forget the profound impact they had in my life.  But I am letting go, and moving forward from this friendship.  I wish them the best life has to offer, and I hope they find what ever it is their seeming restless soul is seeking.  And I pray for God’s continued abundance in their lives.   For me, this is goodbye.

Bubble, Trouble, Directions and Loyalty

I’m in trouble.  It seems as if I am in trouble in one place or another.  If not with one of my instructors at college over a late or missed assignment.  Over something stupid some one said about me at church, or over a reaction I had to some one elses stupidity, or any number of things.  OR I am in trouble with my children thinking I haven’t fulfilled some duty or another in their lives.  Or I am in trouble with friends or acquaintances on other fronts where I am volunteering or just in social settings and I said something and some one took it the wrong way.  WHY. Does it always seem as if I can NEVER get “it” right?  And What the hell is “IT”  any way?  And WHY do I seem to be the ONLY person I  know whose chops are being constantly busted.  I mean, every where I turn it is hey, you need to fix this or that or something else… From you aren’t breathing right to you have a funny look on your face, to you aren’t acting right, right down to the way I dress.  And I am a pretty modest dresser!  Today I am in trouble over my reaction to something some one said and did that I found incredibly out of line.  If I speak out about an offence, then I become the person at fault.  Well, I made that mistake again and here I am getting ready to go in to a conference.

Post Conference update:

Whew! Where I thought I would  be told I am no longer needed in a certain venue of ministry And reprimanded and made to feel inadequate and foolish and less than in a verbal bashing the likes of which most people will never endure a day in their lives and I have endured every day of my life from some place or another.  Fortunate the ones who are so charmed as to not have to.   It turned out to be more of a building up and a brainstorming of a game plan to deal with an unruly teenaged child of mine that I have almost lost my wits over.  I was referred to as a thoroughbred which I actually found to be disarming and encouraging at the same time.  I am no stranger to mixed feelings, but this was an intriguing combination that I was not accustomed to.  And I found that to be even more disarming.    Well,  there will be many more meetings and we now have a direction to put our energy into instead of just feeling like we were at a stand still with no direction which was a part of my issue with life in general, and I am thankful.  Thankful for the loyalty of my savior who works all things together for my good.  Thankful for the people in places of leadership who are loyal to the true call of His purpose who are willing vessels to be able to see and call forth the potential for spiritual greatness in another person and coax that out with LOVE and dignity as opposed to beating them into submission with condemnation and humiliation.  This is where the church of my youth went wrong.  I respond much better to love.

Violent Blogs and Political Correction

So I decided to start a blog.  This is my first blog ever.  It all kind of started when I started feeling once again like my life was spiraling out of control and I couldn’t stop it.  You see, I have kind of always felt like I was on this cosmic downward spiral that I just couldn’t get out of.   Some times I am able to make sense out of this crazy chaos.  And on those days, it seems that events that take place, be they learning experiences, or moments of clarity, or faith building circumstances on those days, the events would make for a very good sermon, or just a quick pick me up for general people in the world.  I know I have been the person to think from time to time, I wonder if any one else ever has these feelings?  I wonder if I any one else faces these battles, or these types of battles, or if I am the only person who has ever done this thing, or reacted this way.  Of course that is probably one of the most selfish thoughts on the planet, seeing as how there is nothing new under the sun.  Nevertheless, I tried to share some of these things on my facebook pages and it ended in a type of controversy that led to me losing half of my friends on there. Meaning, I deleted them.  The trouble with making public such intimately tender information about ones self on social networking sites is that it leaves the bearer more vulnerable than they ever intended or wanted to be.  See, I shared the things on my page because I wanted to bless people and I needed to let them know they weren’t alone.  I figured since I found myself in that place so often, I wasn’t the only one.  And that is what led to me sharing in the first place.  Like I said thought, I got messy on social media, so I stopped.  I felt inhibited.  If I shared this on my page, that person or this group of people would have something nasty and mean to say about it.  There were the people who were grateful for the things I had shared, but then there were as always the naysayers and uglies. I decided that I needed a place where I could remain anonymous and still bear it all so to speak.  So I decided to start a blog.

My blog is about my life.  It is a place for me to vent, whine, share, extol, uplift and just BE.  Here on this page, I will vent about things that make me mad.  I will whine about things I can not control.  I will Share successes, hopes, dreams, and failures.  I will Extol my creator, the Messiah, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  And I will uplift and encourage other regular joe’s and jane’s like myself.  I will just BE who I am bearing all my beauty, creativity, ugliness, and flaws for all to see.  Well at least read about.  All while remaining happily behind the cloak of anonymity so that the haterz that live in the same town as me can’t barf their ugly hate all up in my face.  If some one happens to stumble across this page, well, enjoy, or be blessed, or walk away now while you can..  I will curse, cause I have a bit of a potty mouth. Language aside,  I do love Jesus.  My love for Jesus isn’t tied to my language.  and vice verse.  It is a common misconception of both the free world and the over religious Pharisees and Sadducee’s of today that a proper and good Christian ought never to act speak or think in certain ways.  Well that is just religious bondage, and lets get real, people the real world just isn’t like that any more.  It is raw and ugly and hard and cold an cruel and just plain violent.  Scripture reads “the kingdom of heaven suffers violence and the violent take it by force.”  Yeah that is just one scripture but… I’m running with it in the moment.  This will be a violent blog.  Oh and word and grammar policed, get ready because I am grammatically lazy, sometimes on purpose, and I don’t give enough of a rip about being politically, or grammatically correct to fix it.  You might want to leave now as well.  This is a page about the condition of the human heart.  NOT about the correctness of my words, mouth, or mind.  Now.. Let’s get violent.